PALATSET

this was not a very good day. But it was full of stuff that I'm grateful for. Good stuff.I was not very good today. But I did a lot of things good. It's too warm to be November. It's grey and rainy. But all of that is fine. I just don't know where I'm going.I feel the need to make a plan. But don't know what I want. So I turn to the moment. Which I'm fairly good at. Physical presence, and mind freely wandering. Physical activity. Don't stay still. In stillness I'm stressed.After an hour with my coffee I still couldn't make choices even for the day. To sit at a café and work? Or to bike home? To bike at all? Or to wear the long coat, and thus having to take the subway and write diary on the train?I biked in the rain to ballet. Soaked I did the class. Tried to listen to the music. Thinking of having all the time in the world. Soft ballet. Superfast neo-in-matrix-ballet. Space in me, space around me. Opening my body to the space, the people, the music. I massaged my feet before cause they (I) haven't been so soft and open to earth beacause the earth seems like only hard and wet and unfriendly. I wanna lie down on the floor.Eytan the ballet teacher is super-cute. He said to have a rodeo-brus in the head while dancing, like "yeeeaa, wooo, c'mon" etc. He is very positive and I smile a lot when dancing in his class.I biked to lunch with working friends, with sad friend. Got even more soaked. Heavy cotton clothes. Happy still. Feeling ok when my body is working. Feeling me doing my life, moving it.In the evening I went to bjj-training. Suddenly sad on the way there. Where is love? Who do I love? Shaky already in the start of the training. But very happy to be there. We did 10-minute sparrings. I wrestled only guys. One (beginner, cocky teenage boy) who used all his muscle power on me. I didn't wanna give up. He didn't have much technique, but I guess if you wrestle a little girl you don't have to. After that game I was trembling. Almost crying from pain and some anger. I did two more games. It was frustrating. I tried my best to pathways, understand the dynamic, find openings and wiggle, wriggle, worm my self out and away. I learn a lot. Loose, relaxed and vulnerable on my way home. Then me and Amanda had a "poesisalong", paininting and writing poetry.Ok day.Still don't have a plan. Except going to bjj training tomorrow also. And wrestle more boys.Love and pain/E