Spiritual training diary #12 (tough month)

Kategori: Allmänt, spiritualtrainingdiary

Dear Spiritual Training Diary,
what am I doing? Where am I going? Who are the people in my life and what relationship do they have to me?
Monday, two days ago, I had the first day off this month. Was awake during the night thinking of everything at once. Work, my role in work situations, why work, what is my urge, what is my knowledge, love, will I ever love, etc. Sweating, being cold. Period and pms at once.
Then cried when making fattiga riddare, talking without any sense (but with much wisdom) to roomie Amanda. Sat in the kitchen all day, friends coming by. Had no energy. Sadness.
But then went to bjj-training. Had a new black gi that I bought at the gi-loppis, a twelve-year-old boy outgrew it. Rolled, not very good, but with determination. Exhausting myself to the point of all feelings dripping off my body. After feeling happy. Grateful to have this place and people that see and appriciate me, where I have fun, look ugly, learn new stuff, get irritated, try again etc. Thank you Team Leites for being a good friend!
It's being a tough month. I've wit lots of effort and anxiety made a show with ÖFA. Blood sweat and tears, and not enough time, trust and conviction. Working at Folkoperan again. Was stomach sick and lost more kilos. Training bjj as much as I can. Biking in the spring. Got rejection on two applications. Listened a lot. Is now filled up with information that I have difficulties making sense of. 
Is getting a good set up for spiderguard but need to sissor the sweep with a leg under, and follow up with a triagle or armbar.